Tuesday, November 28, 2006

German Librarians are deceptively vicious....

Hi Makeshifters.

We are still in Germany. All the Prof. will let me say is that we are near the Luxembourg border. This has been the worst trip I have even taken. I think my Mom thinks I am dead. Seriously who would have thought that one book would create such an uproar. Something about German heritage and sovereignty.

Getting the book was a nightmare that I will never forget. I don't think I will ever be able to set foot in a library again. Honestly! I was able to disarm the security system and repel in from a window in the ceiling. The security guards were all in other parts of the library. My second obstacle after the security system was going to be the dogs. The Prof had said he would take care of it and that he had a fool proof plan. That should have been my first warning bell. He said he would get some Tranquilizers and fold them in some bratwurst and I could throw them down to the dogs and they would go to sleep. So before I left for the library he handed me a bag and said this would take care of the dogs. I asked him what he used for the tranqs and he told me that we did not have time for him to explain it in layman's terms and that I had better be on my way. So I throw the Brauts down and the dogs are all over them. I wait and after a while they lay down and I thought "hey! I am in the clear!" Oh how wrong I was.

Soon as I hit the ground and start to head to the book room I hear the growling of unfriendly puppies behind me. I look and see two cujo wannabees barreling down on me. I have never run that fast in my life. I headed right through the book room, past the book not looking back. Well, ok, I looked back once. I looked back just enough to run smack dab into the largest women I have even seen. We are talking wrestler huge with a uni brow that cast a shadow that completely covered yours truly. I wasn't to worried when I realized that she was just the Head Librarian and that in spite of her immense stature I should not have to worry about her. I paid the price for that as well. I was so gone tharn by the sight of Amazon Librarian that I completely forgot about the evil puppies who proceeded to pounce on me and suddenly I was wrestling for my life. I managed to ditch my coat (a gift from my mother. She is never going to forgive me.) which helped me ditch the puppies for the time being. My plan was to dart past the giantess and just escape any way I could and the Prof. can get his own stinking book.

Come to find out that I was not far wrong about The Uber-Librarian with the wrestler thing because she clothes-lined me as I started past her. BAM! I was flat on my back and about to be squashed by a ginormous German librarian. The only thing I could think of was the shows we have done and how I would miss them and all you guys in the audience when it hit. Could it work? It works in all the shows!! I quickly pointed over her far shoulder and shouted at the top of my lungs "HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!" It worked. She looked and I wasted no time and ran in the opposite direction back towards the book room and smack dab back in to the hell hounds. My saving grace is that 2 security guards show up and proceed to fire their tazer guns at me, but missed and hit both the dogs. I kid you not, it smelled horrible! They went down whimpering and I charged the guards and all 3 of us went crashing into the glass case that held the Professor's coveted book which happened to fall right into my lap. Again I wasted no time as I got up and sped for the nearest exit only to suddenly go riged and fall flat on my face unable to move. My body happened to roll just so I could see Uber-Librarian holding a smoking tazer gun with a satisfied smile on her face. She picked me up like a rag doll and stuffed me in a broom closet presumably to keep me safe while she tended to the two guards.

There must have not been a full charge in the tazer as I came out of it pretty quick and was able to send you that short film which I posted live from the scene. Also while in the closet I found out what happened with the brauts that started this mess in the first place. I found an empty bottle in the bratwurst bag that Prof. Happ and given me. I guess his version of tranquillizers was ny-quill. But he messed it up because the bottle was in German and bought day-quill and thereby sealing my fate.

I dug out my video camera so I could say my final goodbyes and as they approached I flew from the closet and down the far stairs sliding down the banister out a first floor window and into the bushes outside just as I heard those funny Euro sirens approaching. The Prof. pulled up on his rented moped and I handed him the book which he snatched and held in the air shouting "VICTORY!!" and drove off. I took me 5 min of running after him yelling before he finally remember to stop and let me on the back. I guess we looked to pathetic for the police to stop us since they passed right by us.

That my friends is the whole truth. If I'm lying, I'm dying. If it was not for one Pamela Moore and her connections we would surely be in the gulag right now. The fact that Herr Professor calls her a Doctor makes me doubt his credentials.

Note to self....do some research on makeshift's resident Dramaturge when fully healed....also send note to Mom begging forgiveness and include German chocolates...Write home office and ask to be paid, then ask for a raise....then write this Rolf guy and tell him what a horrible friend he is to the professor and that he owes me a coat.

intern/criminal/man with an un-natural fear of Librarian

1 comment:

Pamela Moore said...

Maybe you can bring back a nice dark brau to the States to ease your sorrows.

And yes, I am a doctor.